A Season of Faith and Refinement

On April 17, 2023 I was part of a company layoff. It was my first ever time not having control over of when I left a job or company. It was shocking, sad, and scary but God knew that the only way I could grow, or step into what He has called me to, a change needed to be made that I wasn’t ever going to make on my own! The funny thing is, the day before I got the news, I had decided I was going to take an extended break from social media. I felt like God was telling me to step away so that I could focus on the things that mattered, and looking back, it was necessary to remove the distractions so that I could lean into God’s voice and guidance!

The Dream

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a stay at home mom. I used to tell people that was my dream job and I would get laughs or smiles, I’m sure with people wondering why I was even going to college if I would rather be with my kids haha. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to be successful until that day came, but it was always the dream. Fast forward to July 2022 when we had our daughter, Elizabeth Blake - I was a little worried about what life would look like since we lived 3 hours from family, and didn’t really have the means for me to quit my job. Boy, did God have big plans! 

The Backstory

In September 2022, God woke me up and planted the thought that we needed to move home to Dallas. We immediately contacted realtors to sell our house and look to buy near our hometown. I know God’s hand was all over our decision to move, the house we bought, the location, the finances - everything. That being said, moving made it to where I didn’t really have an option NOT to work. So, when I got laid off 3 months after moving into our new home, not only was it financially concerning, but I was very frustrated with God that there was no end in sight of me being able to stay home with Lizzie! I constantly thanked God for the blessings He gave us in our new home, but I felt strapped given the nature of the timing of this new financial burden.

Though we were in a stressful situation, I was determined to enjoy the gift of time I had been given with my daughter whether the time ended up being short, or long. I knew that God was answering my prayers in the short term of being able to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) during her most formative years, and I was getting paid to do it through my severance! Such a blessing and something I won’t ever take for granted.

Heart Check

Now that you have a little bit of the backstory as to what our desires were, and the timing of everything - let’s jump back to shortly after I found out about no longer having a job. About a week or two into my time off, God was teaching me about flaws in my heart and mind. I began to realize how negative my thoughts were and how it was impacting my daily life. I wasn’t actually verbalizing the negativity, so it was much more difficult for me to acknowledge it as an issue, but my thoughts were constantly in the tone of “there’s no way that’s gonna work out for me”, “I am never going to get to stay at home with my kids”, “I’m going to miss out on so much due to working full time”, “I’m not going to have time to invest in my family the way I want to” instead of believing that God had my best interest in mind. For one month I worked on taking captive my thoughts, and shifting them to prayer asking God to change my mentality and believe that He was working things for my good. It was a necessary change and one that has completely altered my train of thought and the way I view God!

Identity Crisis

I also experienced a bit of an identity crisis after the layoff not knowing what type of career I should pursue, or what I was good at outside of tech sales. Was now the time to switch industries? Switch careers entirely? What titles do I look for? How do I do this? It was embarrassing when I would get asked by friends and family what I enjoyed doing and my answer would be “uhhh, you know what, I’m not sure”. I knew I enjoyed my family and taking care of Lizzie and our home, but I didn’t know what personal interests I had or what my skillset was and how it would apply to different career paths. I’ve always viewed work as a means to an end, and never really thought about finding a career that was “meaningful” because to me, the money was just a catalyst to my REAL life at home. A family friend called me one day and while I was explaining my situation to her, she suggested I invest in myself and take the “IOS assessment” to deeply understand how God wired me and how it applies to my career or ones I should pursue. I took her advice, and it ended up giving me the greatest clarity about who I am, what I’m good at, what motivates me and what careers to apply for.

God’s Provision

Initially, I was looking for a full time job to cover our newly increased expenses, but where I had complete flexibility and control over my schedule so that if I wanted to take Lizzie to the park, I could. If I wanted to schedule a play date, I could. I wanted both - a great paying job, and to be a present mom. It took me probably 4 months for me to fully accept and come to terms with my reality that I would be a working mom. I wasn’t upset with God, or maybe I was. But I was still processing that my life was going to look much different than I had planned. Though it’s incredible and a huge blessing that we live right down the road from my family, have an incredible property for our kids to grow up at, and are financially able to live in the area we do, it still stung that my dream of being a stay at home mom might not be fulfilled for many years or ever!

During my job search I prayed that God would close the wrong doors quickly, so that I wouldn’t waste my time. Getting interviews scheduled, preparing for them and actually having them was very time consuming - so I didn’t want to waste time on jobs that God hadn’t hand picked for me when I could be spending more time with Lizzie. Thankfully He answered that prayer time and time again! I have probably gone through a full interview process with over a dozen companies at this point, and one way or another the door would close due to timing, the job responsibilities not lining up with what I wanted, no reasoning at all, or just the most random things delaying the process. It is a very competitive job market, so I was thankful to be getting so many interviews, but even more thankful that God made it easy for me to say no, or vice versa when it wasn’t the right fit. It was miraculous honestly!  I believe I was able to keep my spirits up for the last 5 months because I could see God working, and He has allowed me to spend as much time as possible with my daughter, while leading me to the perfect job. 

God’s Voice

Probably 3 months into the job hunt, an Associate Pastor at our church was talking to us after service and after I shared what we had been going through in finding a job, He paused my story and said that this doesn’t usually happen to him, but that He felt God was saying that He has something better for you. I smiled and said “oh, thanks for that”. Afterwards, I got in the car and said to Adam “that’s not very helpful, nor specific 😂”. I had been struggling with what God wanted me to do, where to search, and where to work, so a vague “I have something better” didn’t really solve any of my problems if you know what I mean, haha. I was grateful to receive the encouragement, but I was really praying for some big, specific things and wanted clarity so badly.

I’m not sure what lead me to do this next thing, but I decided to put an alarm on my phone to go off twice a day (the times of day I would struggle most with negative thoughts) that said “God has better for you”. For the first month, it wasn’t super effective in making me feel better, but for some reason I decided to keep it until I felt like I found “the better” that God said He had for me. I wouldn’t have described the first 4 months of not having a job as difficult by any means. I’d tell people often “I’m living my best life right now!”. I was becoming the mom I always wanted to be. Attentive, fun, and intentional. Lizzie and I grew closer, I was able to build friendships, and accomplish some things that I would’ve never had time for otherwise. Well, it ended up getting to a point that I longed for those reminders in the day because the waiting period became much more difficult.

Redirection

Fast forward to August 17th - exactly 4 months from the layoff, and the day my severance pay ended. God showed us something we didn’t even know was possible - working part time. I got an email from our church asking if I’d be interested in hearing more about a part time job opening, and that our small group leader, had mentioned I was looking for work. I said yes, mainly to be courteous even though I knew financially there was no way it would work. I had run all the budgetary numbers and there was NO chance this would cover the gap. So, I walked myself into that interview with every guard up emotionally because I didn’t want to allow myself to fall in love with a job I couldn’t take.

Funny enough, I don’t even make it out of the parking lot before my husband, Adam, calls me and says he got out of an interview that pays the exact difference of what I would be walking away from in a full time job. I immediately thought “maybe God is going to make this work”! 

I started to get excited because I could see God’s hand actively working in our lives and who wouldn’t be excited about that?! He showed me that being at home with Lizzie, and providing for our family was possible. He showed me that my mindset had to be changed before He could open the door. He showed me that all my prayers for Adam, his job and providing a promotion for 2 years had been heard. It was life giving to watch God’s plan unfold before our eyes and in a way I didn’t even think possible.

Obstacles

Five days later, it felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me. Adam entertained 3 new job opportunities and got 3 no’s in that same week, and I had 2 corporate jobs on the table and also got a no in the last stage before an offer. Though I knew God’s no was protection, it still hurt to be shown something better and now have zero options for that to be a reality. I thought back to the encouragement a pastor gave us, and I knew I needed to begin praying boldly, but it scared me to death to do so…

Bold Faith

If you haven’t read part of my testimony from University of Kentucky, you should! It has been a full circle moment to my faith today and where God is challenging me. What’s funny is that God knows what we need, and cares more about our heart and faith in Him than He does about answering our prayers the way we want. When I knew I needed to pray boldly for our jobs, I got scared, I got upset, and my faith was shaky. I hadn’t asked God for ANYTHING big, bold or impossible for almost 10 years (since my college soccer days). I stopped dreaming because the last time I had dreams and asked God to fulfill them, He slammed the door in an embarrassing (and humbling) way. So, I stopped asking. I stopped dreaming. All because I didn’t want to be disappointed again. I thought, “if I don’t dream about it, I can’t get heartbroken”. Isn’t that sad? For 10 years I hindered such a large part of my relationship with God just to protect myself. I did it openly too! I would tell people all the time I don’t have a 5 year plan, because God has a different one than me anyways, so I’d rather just wait and see, than ask and pivot.

It’s not that I didn’t believe He wasn’t capable of answering my prayers or performing miracles, it’s whether or not He was willing to do them for ME. 

I cried a lot during this period of growing my faith - cried about the past, cried about the present and cried about the unknown and whether or not God would break my heart again. So, I prayed. I prayed for faith. I prayed for God to make a way for me to work part time. I prayed for Adam to have favor and blessing in his future interviews and that he would find a job that covers the gap financially and one where he would be successful. I prayed for my heart posture that I would remain open handed for God to work in our life in ways that I couldn’t in my own strength. 

During this waiting period I came across quite a few posts and reminders from God that I needed faith, to stop mourning what was, and to trust that He has my future in His hands. A lot of times I felt like people in the Bible that start questioning God and asking “when will you answer me?” “how long will you make me wait?”

“Will You Be Obedient, Even When?”

In September, things started moving along with a job for Adam - so many details were so perfect, that it felt like it was from God! He knew the hiring manager from a previous job, the pay was our “dream” pay (we wrote out potential salaries and one that was out of reach, but a dream for us), God was speaking through Adam in every interview and was honestly killing it. Even the timing of him getting an offer, aligned with the exact time I would receive mine from the church. That alone would be an answered prayer, because I wanted to confidently be able to say yes to my job offer, rather than be shaky not knowing if we’d be able to afford it, or decline altogether to take something more stable.

To our surprise, it ended up not working out. We were frustrated and upset! I felt like God was testing me. Almost as if He was asking me “Will you still obey even if I don’t line the details up in your timing?”. I didn’t want to be like Abraham and delay God’s promise due to me rushing things to happen in my own timing, or making decisions based on my idea of what I thought was “responsible”. I wanted God’s best, and I truly felt like working for the church was what God was asking me to do, even if it required more faith in God to provide a job for Adam as well.

Where We Are Today

I started my job at the church this week and I couldn’t be more excited. I love the Executive Pastor I am working for, I love our church, and I am honored that God wants to use me to impact His Kingdom in such a tangible way. This job is everything I’ve prayed for and I am expectant that God is going to transform me, our family and our community through it. There have been many confirmations that God chose me for this job, and we are still trusting Him to provide Adam a promotion to cover our financial gaps. It’s frightening to not know when that will be, or how much of the gap He will cover for us (can you tell I really struggle with not knowing everything? ha!). I imagine there is still a lot of work to be done in our hearts as we wait expectantly for Him to answer and provide!

There are honestly so many things that have happened over the last five months, and so many other heart surgeries that God did in me that it would literally take so long to write out. But I am truly thankful for the refinement. There were issues in my heart that I didn’t even know were still lingering, things I didn’t even know existed, and ones I’ve avoided dealing with for years. God said “it’s time - let’s work on them together”. It’s so freeing to surrender to God, though difficult, and watch how He molds you into His image every single day. To see how much He loves us just through simple reminders, glimpses of His hand at work, or speaking to us through the Holy Spirit - it is truly a gift and I crave knowing Him on a deeper level the more I encounter Him.

If you read this and had a thought lingering in your mind of past pain you’ve been holding on to, I challenge you to pray and ask God to help you release it. If you read this and related to losing a dream or refusing to trust God with dreams, I challenge you to pray and ask God to renew your faith and put your trust in Him again. If you are in need of a miracle, I hope this encouraged you to believe God for the things He promised those who follow Him, and that you are persistent in your pursuit of God and seeking His Kingdom above all else. God is a healer, a miracle worker, our provider, our Savior and our refuge. He is kind, He is good, He is faithful and He is loving. Most of all, He loves YOU and sent His son to die for you. Keep fighting the good fight, and if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, the mountain will move and nothing will be impossible for you (Matt. 17:20-21).

Love y’all! Thanks for reading.

XOXO, Taylor