5 Lessons D1 Soccer Taught Me
I've mentioned it a few times before on Instagram, but I played college soccer as a goalkeeper for The University of Kentucky and then transferred to The University of Texas at Austin in the middle of my sophomore year. When I first started this blog, I knew that I wanted to share my experiences and struggles that I've had in my life and playing college soccer was one of the BIG trials that I had to overcome. My experience was different than most, but was more common than you think. Being a student athlete is difficult. Did it have its perks? Absolutely. All the gear, fan appearances, the thrill of SEC competition, competing for championships, and more make the life of an athlete special. But there are a lot of things about being a student athlete that happen behind the scenes that are less than glamorous. The amount of time spent training and preparing, mind games that the coaches play with you, being late to classes because your practice ran late, traveling long distances and still maintaining your grades when missing lots of class days, having difficulty making friends outside of your team because you just don't have time to socialize, barely being able to go to sporting events other than your own, overcoming injuries, film review (aka get critiqued for every single mistake you made) and grinding from 7AM-9PM every. single. day. That was my life at UK. There were some days that were better than others, but there were a lot of really bad days at Kentucky.
With that being said, I wouldn't change a single thing. My faith was strengthened, I grew as a person and I became a better teammate because of what I went through. I hope that whatever season you're walking through, that these few lessons will encourage you to keep pushing on and fight the good fight, while keeping faith.
5 Lessons I Learned
God is the most important thing in life. I didn't know a soul when I decided to attend the Univ. of Kentucky. As I embarked on this new journey at a new school, on a new team; the anticipation of competing at the highest level and the excitement of all the new challenges and friendships that would come my way were so invigorating. That vigor waned quickly. The all day practices, fitness testing, body composition testing, NCAA regulation meetings, media training and media day - the wake up call that your new "family" wasn't unified at all; it wasn't a family in any sense of the word. Alienation and loneliness set in quickly and the only thing that was consistent was the time I spent with God daily. I looked forward to waking up every day and reading Jesus Calling. So cliche right? But God used that devotional to teach me a very valuable lesson - that He is the most important thing in my life, and that He sees me and hears my prayers. Every single day, the message pertained to me and my current circumstances or what I had prayed for the night before. I yearned for more of God because He constantly showed me that He was listening and had my back. Before college, soccer consumed my emotions. How I performed in practice determined my attitude for that day and this carried into college soccer but on an intensified level. When things didn't go my way, or when soccer was taken from me, I realized that the only thing that would give me joy and peace, was a relationship with Christ.
Soccer is not my identity. This was a tough lesson to learn. I played soccer for 18 years out of my 22 years of life - I invested everything I had into that sport and I took pride in the fact that I played a specialized position ( I was a goalkeeper) and played at the highest level. When I would meet people at school and they asked me if I was in a sorority, I took pride in my response of "No, I play soccer." When I got to UK, my coaches micromanaged everything I did, thought and how I played the game of soccer. It wasn't just me - everyone received this kind of treatment, but it was different for each player. I thought it was just because I was a freshman and needed to be "put in my place", but it was much much worse than that. It was an environment of fear based management and isolation. After my first month in Kentucky, I got suspended after our first conference game against Arkansas. We were tied 1-1 and went into Double OT - in the final 2 minutes of the second OT an Arkansas player kicked a long distance shot into the upper 90'. It ended up making Sports Center Top 10 the next day (lucky me haha). My suspension was for favoriting a tweet that a friend from home tagged me in about seeing me play that night on television. My coach's, and team captains, reasoning for that suspension was that (in a paraphrased form) "I didn't show or feel pain after our loss and they were going to make me feel pain until he decided I was punished enough." That was the most humiliating week of my entire life. On television, the analysts would state that I had been suspended indefinitely for breaking team rules. So of course, your thought is "oh, she drank or did drugs or something illegal for sure!" I had to sit out of a few games and literally sit in the stands with my family to watch my team play. I couldn't practice with the team and had to turn all my gear in (even my cleats and gloves). You would think that something like this would cause teammates to encourage her or come alongside her, but nope. In fact, my own coaches wouldn't even speak to me! It was total alienation and being given the silent treatment. I would think to myself "is this really happening?" I was embarrassed when family/friends would reach out and ask why I wasn't playing - for the first time I started to realize that soccer was determining my value and what I thought of myself. God blessed my freshman year with soccer success. My team and I made it to the Sweet 16 and had the best year that Kentucky Soccer had ever had! I didn't know it at the time, but that would be my last time to play soccer competitively in a game setting (This made me cry writing this part!). I returned for my sophomore year, and within two weeks of practices my life would begin to go in a radically different direction. My coaches had motives of their own and I experienced betrayal, dishonest intentions, harassment from coaches and threatening texts and emails from staff. I honestly didn't know how to deal with the toxic environment that I was in and the way I viewed competition, sports, character and integrity were being challenged daily. My body reacted negatively from all of the stress and I got a severe case of mono that would be the catalyst that shielded me from the circumstances I was in. (There are many miracles that occurred during this time that I will tell later but God was showing up BIG time). When something you've invested your whole life in gets taken from you in an instant, it changes you. You start wondering why you even do it in the first place, and question who are you without it. This was probably one of the most important lessons I've learned in my life to date! I am more than the game of soccer. I realized that I am so much more than the things I do - I am a child of God and He has chosen me and calls me Beloved. I know that I will carry this lesson with me for the rest of my life and it will give me hope when things don't go my way because I am not defined by what I do or what I own, but instead I am who God says I am, which is CHOSEN. Can I get an amen?!
You don't have to understand why. And we weren't meant to either. God didn't promise us that when we walk through storms He will outline the exact purpose of it, He just warns us that we will have storms. I learned that faith, is believing even when you can't see the outcome. There are days that I still wonder why I went through all the pain and suffering at Kentucky, why He chose me to handle it all. I get glimpses here and there (finding redemption at Texas, finding my current job, getting married to Adam, etc.), but for now knowing that God used it for good is enough for me. There were things that God provided for me during this very lonely, painful time, but the answer to WHY wasn't one of them.
God still performs miracles. They might not look like making the blind see again or touching Jesus' clothes and being healed, but they are very real and are proof that God is still in the miracle working business. Like I mentioned before, I had a very serious case of mono my sophomore year - I didn't know it at first, I thought it was just a sore throat, so I kept playing in fear of being "weak" in my coaches eyes. I was doing two-a-days, playing with a 102 fever and still performing! My throat hurt so bad some days that I couldn't even talk (and when you play goalkeeper, that is a serious problem). When I eventually got diagnosed with mono, I was angry. I didn't understand why God would remove me from the game of soccer and end my season. This was supposed to be the year that I rose above the obstacles put in front of me and came out on top, but God had different plans. Looking back now, He removed me from the toxic environment I was submersed in daily. What a blessing that I didn't have to go to practices or games every week and be surrounded by the negativity and criticism that got me sick in the first place. Also, God provided me roommates that year that didn't play soccer!! When I was looking for a place to live, it was difficult to make the choice to not live with soccer girls, but I felt that I needed to have a safe space when I came home each day and not feel pressured to talk about the drama that occurred weekly. God was aligning details for me that would provide protection just a few months later and this ended up being the biggest blessing. When I got sick, I spent a lot of time at home and never went to workouts or practice - so I didn't have to feel guilty for not participating or experiencing the same scrutiny that the team was enduring. Not only did He remove me from soccer, but He provided encouragement on the most random of days from the most random of people. People from high school that I barely knew or talked to reached out to me to say they were thinking about me, or praying for me. Some family friends would run into my parents at home and say they were dreaming about me and felt that they should be praying for me. And others would send me care packages with encouragement and bible verses in them that provided the exact comfort I was needing. I was the modern day Israelites in the wilderness and God was providing manna for me daily! When I decided to transfer I had staff at Kentucky that stood in the gaps for me and provided resources to help me recover from being so sick. They allowed me to continue training, so that I could transfer to play at another school (this is unheard of considering my circumstances). When I was choosing a school to transfer to, God provided more scholarship opportunities that gave me peace in my decision to leave. Every step of the way, God was showing me more of himself and even when I had "enemies" He was with me and providing for me! God literally was going before me and paving my next step and it was my job to trust and walk in blind faith.
You can still make an impact. This one is still difficult for me to grasp. I thought I was going to be an All-American at UK and be a standout athlete for the Kentucky Wildcats. And for a tiny moment I was that - my freshman year I had great success and won quite a few awards for individual games, I led the SEC in Goals Against Average (only allowing 4 goals against in SEC play), and even got SEC Freshman of the Year, but don't get me wrong - my freshman year was the extremely difficult emotionally and mentally. The Bible says that God uses all things for His good and God's Word also says that that His economy is backwards - the strong will become weak, and the weak will be strong. God uses hardships to be a witness and a testament to His character, and ultimately bring Him Glory. When hardships hit and things were happening out of my control, I was given the opportunity to overcome hardship with grace and joy, showing others that painful things can be handled differently than our fleshly desires would like. I was not perfect in every situation, and I definitely was not the most joyful - in fact I would even say I was depressed at my circumstances. But I did try to handle myself in a manner that was upright and blameless. The morning I told the coaches I was leaving was the most freeing day of my life! Within an hour of my release, the Assistant AD had called me into her office because she had heard I was leaving and wanted to discuss it with me. I had an entire line I used when I told my coaches that said, "getting sick has shown me that I am too far from home. I need to leave at Christmas and would like a full release." I had every intention of saying that same line I had rehearsed over and over. When I walked into her office, I felt the Holy Spirit say, "tell her the truth". I told her everything I could think of in that moment! I told her about the mental abuse, verbal abuse, the shunning, the fear based management, the isolation, how our team was dealt with and how not a single player enjoyed it! It was truly hell on earth. I had 3 other players come up to me not even an hour after this meeting and say how they were jealous of me that I made the decision and happy that I was making it for myself...a few months later, all three of those players transferred. Even though my stint at Kentucky didn't end up as I thought it would, the Lord still used that pain and experience for good whether I completely see it or not. A year later I was sitting in class at The Univ. of Texas and saw a tweet that said The Univ. of Kentucky had released the head coach! I cried in class that day. That was when I knew my purpose. It was to help the younger classes behind me so that they wouldn't have to endure what 7 years of Kentucky soccer had been. It seemed worth it! My pain, my discomfort, my disappointment - it had an ending. But really it was just the beginning....
If you've made it this far, THANK YOU! There is so much more to this story that is incredibly miraculous, but this blog post would turn into a book if I kept writing! I have had trouble putting my experience into words and I'm grateful that you took the time to read it. This is a glimpse of the experience I had and even though it had some dark days, I was shaped and strengthened in so many areas and for that, I am thankful.
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